49 - Be There
Recently, I came across a heartfelt piece that shed light on an unexpected issue: the loneliness epidemic affecting Americans, and especially fathers. These men are surrounded by love - they have families, children, and they are married. However, they still grapple with a sense of isolation and have difficulty forming meaningful friendships.
As we navigate these times marked by anxiety, sadness, and division, it becomes increasingly evident that the overarching narrative, the story behind our conflicts and divisions, is our collective struggle with belonging and the escalating loneliness we experience. One poignant marker of this societal shift is the remarkable decline of genuine friendship.
According to a study done over three decades by the Survey Center on American Life, the percentage of Americans who reported having no close friends at all quadrupled from the early 90s. This trend is particularly pronounced among men, where 15 percent now acknowledge having no close friends. A startling statistic reveals that almost half of all surveyed Americans claimed to have three close friends or fewer.
So, what has caused this decline in friendship, and why do we find ourselves increasingly alone? The answer appears to be something that might be as surprising as it is simple – it boils down to a single virtue: presence.
Time and time again, through friends and family, acquaintances, colleagues and other members of the Temple, we hear variations of the same response, a response that gains significance as we age and face life's challenges:
"A friend is there when you need them"
"A friend answers your call at 2 in the morning"
"A real friend stands with you"
The virtue of presence is endangered by the temptation of absence. Absence doesn't always stem from neglect or selfishness; it can occur simply because life keeps us busy. Many Americans form close friendships at work. But what happens when friends change jobs, and suddenly, they're no longer around?
Parenthood is another phase where friendships can seem to vanish, especially when children are involved in sports or extracurricular activities. "This summer is rough for me. Travel soccer is dominating our schedule," one might say. You might make friends with other parents while watching your kids play, but next year, new teams and new parents can disrupt these newfound friendships.
I've never met anyone who desires to lose friends, but I've encountered many who suffer from loneliness, citing that they "lost touch". When pressed, people often respond with “life happened". At each stage of life, it becomes easier to say "no" to a friend than to work, a spouse, or one's children. While each individual "no" may be understandable, the accumulation of these no’s stifles friendships, even without fights, strife, or betrayals.
The pandemic did not make these things any easier for people, further being sequestered from each other and forced to video calls as a substitute for interaction. Things became harder for everyone.
Yet this is not to say that any of us should give up. Friendships and connections are difficult to maintain, but they are important parts in our lives, much like our faith, they are the sinew that holds it all together and give it value. Do we need them? Perhaps not, but they add value to life, and make living a worthwhile endeavor. While there is no Keystone directing us to have friends or to make connections, there is also no Keystone telling us to enjoy food, to listen to music, to experience art and adventure. There is no immediate efficiency in these endeavors, but still they elevate us and enable us to seek an enlightened state and strive for harmony with the Five Keystones.
This single realization quote captures the essence of friendship and connection. In the midst of competing demands from family and work, friendship may sometimes feel unnecessary in the moment. However, as years go by and justifiable individual absences erode our relationships, we will come to feel their loss. But it doesn't have to be this way, especially when our simplest and highest command is merely being there for one another. This is the essence of the Sixth Keystone.
