37 - Between Two Bodies
What a wonderful end to October – this month, just passed, really kicks off the holiday season well, and even has a marvelous secular tradition here in North America (Halloween). It really sets things up well for a rapid-fire barrage of holidays and festivities.
Putting the warm fuzzies aside, let’s peek at reality. Friends, family, loved ones – those relationships are not always perfect. At times, even the best of bonds are tested through friction and disagreement. Whether this is a close partner, a friend, parent or sibling, arguments can arise. This can take many forms, but often manifests itself as feelings of neglect, condescension, or even rejection. Beyond that, things can ramp from instances of unreliability to possessiveness, dependency or even jealousy. There can also be issues related to people being inconsiderate, moody or self-absorbed. Whatever the pain points are, they exist, and they are a very real cancer on that relationship.
To work and heal these rifts takes work, and frankly it is difficult. The easier response is to sidestep the issues and not discuss the relationship. It can induce anxiety or even touch on taboo topics.
Paraclism tells us that these are not areas to avoid – arguments cannot be ignored or sidestepped entirely. In fact, just like in many facets of life, slight difficulties or a little stress can be quite productive. In other words, a little conflict can be constructive, and strengthen your relationship. How can you progress without problems to solve?
Here, we can look to the Second Keystone - Remember that you are fallible like everyone else; be ready to admit and forgive wrongdoing. You both may be wrong. Face the issue head on, and grow. Start by giving the other person the benefit of the doubt – never assume mal-intent or a desire to cause harm. Echo the belief that you have in your heart “this is a good person, and I care for them”.
Let’s work through some of the steps we can take to tackle conflict. For those inclined to acronym, these steps can be remembered with the acronym REUSS – as in we should reuse these close bonds, not throw them out. If acronyms help, that is great. For others, the acronym might be a bit superfluous. If that is the case, just focus on each step, and the whole thing will be way more intuitive than trying to remember each step by name. Let us dive in!
First, Restate & Repeat. When they speak, you should be able to clearly echo their sentiments. Make sure you ask questions “is X the issue?” “when you say Y, what does that mean?” and “for Z, is there an example?” the key being to keep the dialogue flowing.
Second, have Empathy. Certainly, easier said than done, but this is the key. They are speaking to you, and you should understand that they are doing their best (even if failing) to communicate a feeling to you, an emotion. You should seek to understand what that deep feeling is, and acknowledge it. “It seems like you are feeling….” “are you…?” are ways to elicit their emotion.
Next, try to Understand. There are two components here, and only the first is obvious. This is trying to truly grok their viewpoint, from their shoes. The second is ensuring that you are messaging this correctly, that your body language is communicating the right message. Focus on this.
Then Summarize, to show them you are hearing them, and trying to meet them where they are.
Finally, Spotlight the issue by asking questions of them. There is a human tendency to focus on ourselves, and how we interface with a given situation, but if the goal is fixing the underlying issue, you should take a backseat. This person is important to you, be there for them. Help them process their emotion, and lead them to deeper analysis. Ask their views on possible outcomes, on what you can do.
I’ll echo again the Second Keystone - Remember that you are fallible like everyone else; be ready to admit and forgive wrongdoing. None of us are perfect, and this is the key to working through problems. Fighting is okay, but we must master mending and rehabilitation. It beats replacement. In summation - grab your emotional trowel, and be ready to parge the lath of your relationship. Make those foundations stand for a century.
