02 - The Second Keystone
Remember that you are fallible, all people imperfect.
The Second Keystone – handed down to us by the Paraclete, speaks to the imperfection of all humans, and reminds us to not hasten to judgment of others. Not one among us is a model of perfection, and how we treat others when they are imperfect is a reflection of what we might receive when we, inevitable, err. Fallibility is not failure.
Don’t forget that this is quite inevitable – people make mistakes. You will too, and surely, so will I. This is a fact of life, and generally everyone knows it. But when the chips are down, and a mistake is made, we often feel threatened and act as if everyone else makes mistakes, but not us! We’re even seen doubling down and pushing on with our own interpretation of reality – a natural response.
For some people, this sort of forgetfulness is amplified when they are challenged – they forget their innate fallibility. The mere idea that they could be wrong is abhorrent and illogical, after all they are not the kind of person who is wrong.
But in truth, any (and all) of us can be wrong, and in different ways. This is not a curable condition, but an ongoing, human condition – we must manage it for all our lives. Think of how you might treat a child, a sibling, or a friend. You might hope the best for them, but you don’t expect them to have all the answers, their lives fully figured out and never slip and fall in the muck.
This is something we have to remember, particularly when conflicts flare up. Few of us notice our fallibility as an important facet of our innate characteristics. We fall into winner-take-all fights where its us vs them, and one side will win while another loses – and we stop at nothing to avoid losing. It’s hard to lose, hard to admit fault, hard to be wrong.
Just as
In holding the Second Keystone close and reflecting, we may find occasions when the right thing to do is to apologize to someone. This takes courage, both to muster up the mental fortitude to broach the subject, and the sometimes uncomfortable silence that we can face while waiting for a response. You can make this easier by finding the right words, and this can be done in a simple three part formula:
1) Apology
2) Context
3) Solution
The apology is key, you need to say (and everyone will want to hear) those magic words I am sorry – remember to properly admit your fault here, and do not gloss over it or provide excuses.
“I am sorry that I [forgot to buy the flowers that you asked for]….”
Give context to the consequences, and show you understand your error and the hurt it may have caused.
“…because [I know you needed them for your gift and how important it was for you to celebrate your friend’s birthday]…”
Offer a solution, if you can. This will not always be possible as some bells cannot be ‘un-rung’ – in these cases offer a promise of improved behavior, or something else that can ameliorate potential future harm.
“… and [I have ordered a replacement bouquet, as well as some party favors to help you celebrate].”
Through your tone and choice of words, strive to make it clear that you’ve considered the harm and that your remorse is genuine. Be vulnerable and authentic, this is the best way to face up to the situation and gain and accept absolution – should it be offered.
Work to remember your fallibility, and be reminded of it when you spot it in others. Give them the grace and forgiveness that you would want in their shoes. You are not exempt from imperfection, just as they are not exempt.
You can still be strong and stand up for your beliefs, without forgetting you could be wrong. There is nothing you can ever do, or anything you could ever believe, which would eliminate your ability to be wrong. Accept that we are just managing fallibility all our lives, and no one expects perfection. Just give them your best, and strive to be better than you are. Give others that same space.
When we remember the Second Keystone, we open ourselves to opposition and criticism. This is an inherently difficult act of vulnerability. Most of us have learned to put on a shield to the outside world, and opening yourself up in this manner takes a lot of bravery to do. But this is the true path to real change, personal growth and valuable improvement. We have to remember to leave space for others to give us that feedback, the opportunity to disagree with us. Do not suppress these voices, if their intent is true.
After hearing them, take the time and space to reflect on these. Give them careful thought – its far too easy to dismiss them as an obvious error of “well they’re wrong and I am right, obviously”. Don’t be too confident in yourself, but rather keep your mind open and see whether there is any truth in their words, see if anything can be gathered to help you rise up.
We should never shrink from administering justice, nor should we turn a blind eye to evil. But just as we may ask others to forgive us, let us be ready to forgive the wrongdoing of others, if freely admitted and honestly regretted.
