13 - Choice & Confrontation
With an election looming in our future, we are all put to the task of doing our civic duty and casting our ballot. With this, comes a higher chance of having discussions with our friends or family regarding topics that are held very close to our (and their) hearts – and a chance for perceived slights and frustration.
In talking, communicating – remember that this really only happens when both parties feel understood by the other. When we feel understood, we are more relaxed, we trust wholeheartedly and are more likely to open up and really share.
To have a discussion, strive to reach that with the other person. The first step is actually not talking; it is listening and providing your full attention.
- Show via body language, relax and take an open stance. Lean in a bit, show them you are engaged
- Maintain eye contact – do not stare, but do offer them your gaze
- Signal your engagement, whether by nodding along, or occasionally affirming their speech
- Do not cut them off or talk over them. Sometimes silence is the right answer. This is the most difficult step
Second part is to reinterpret what has been said. You will need to consider and reflect on what has been communicated to you. Rather than simply akcknowledging that you’ve heard the other side, show them by sharing their view in your own words, instill confidence that you have an understanding of their thoughts. This step may sound a bit awkward, but its value is not to be underestimated – they will feel heard. The key is to distill their view in brief, and say it in the flow of conversation so as to not interrupt them. If there is a mismatch or you perhaps did not fully articulate their view back to them, they will be sure to correct you, and this may also serve as a learning opportunity.
By first listening and reflecting, you are building a foundation to take the conversation to a higher level. Keep the discussion flowing by asking questions. While you listen, things will likely pop into your head – but approach this carefully. Firing questions off too quickly can have the opposite effect of making someone defensive and interfere with the connection you are building. The key here is to ask questions that allow the other party to expand on what they’ve said. Sometimes this is done by using questions that are often known as “the Five Ws”: Who, What, When, Where, Why (and How). Alternatively, repeating back a keyword or idea and asking for more of their thoughts might also do the trick – anything that avoids a simple “yes” or “no” answer.
Here, it is also important to try and remain neutral in your tone; do not suggest an answer or preferred approach. Allow the other party to share their thoughts, and focus on portions where more clarity could be sought. Don’t think that simply exposing a flaw in their reasoning will be enough to change their mind – this is much more difficult, and needs to come from within. The best you can do is to broach the subjects and have discussions. If change is to come, it will come in time.
The goal here is always understanding and connection. These are the people we care about, and we must not let issues or arguments get in the way of that. Remember the Second Keystones – we are all imperfect. Even if their views and opinions seem fundamentally broken, only the blind among us would content that their views are perfect and could not be improved. Strive to rise above that thinking.
Remember the Fourth Keystone - we all have something to teach one another. Perhaps there is a kernel of truth in their argument, or perhaps it is valuable for you to learn a real concern they may have. In showing that openness and willingness to listen, perhaps they will show that same kindness to you.
